Disgust

Today I am absolutely disgusted with myself.

I’ve been back on Twitter… mainly because I’m so addicted to Queer Eye on Netflix I had to tell the world. However, Twitter is pretty much how I get my news nowadays, it used to be newsround but I’m not even sure if that is still on.

So, I’ve been reading about the immigration child separation policy in America right now, I’m sure it has a name that just rolls off the tongue but I don’t know what that is. Even if half of what I have read is true. I am disgusted.

So why am I disgusted with myself and not just Trump and the American government for making this happen. I am disgusted because once again, I read this, shake my head and say how could people let this happen, and then… I get on with my day. I go to work, eat, probably watch Netflix and go to bed. I don’t even lose sleep over this.

Another issue with humanity fails, people are let down and there isn’t a shred of decency left, and myself, like many others have just, essentially ignored it.

I understand, I am 1 person, I am involved in politics or a relevant charity, I live thousands of miles away, I am not an American citizen, essentially there is very little I could actually do on this issue.

But I am disgusted, because I worry that even if all of the above wasn’t true, I am not 100% sure on what I would do. I am scared that I would still sit, sigh and move on. Why do I think this, because it’s pretty much what I do with all issues. Homelessness, immigration, child abuse. I feel like if I give £5 to a charity every now and then I have done my part, I haven’t, I have failed as a human and that disgusts me.

Don’t worry though, being the ordinary selfish human I am, this disgust I am sure will only last as long as the news coverage. I think that makes it worse.

The Breakfast Club

I watched this movie for the first time the other night – It has been on my “to watch” list for a very long time. I LOVED it. I finally know what Molly Ringwald looks like, but actually it was one scene that really got to me:

Allison: Have you ever done it with a normal person?
Claire: Didn’t we already cover this?
Bender: You never answered the question.
Claire: Look, I’m not gonna discuss my private life with total strangers.
Allison: It’s kind of a double-edged sword, isn’t it?
Claire: A what?
Allison: Well, if you say you haven’t, you’re a prude. If you say you have, you’re a slut! It’s a trap. You want to but you can’t but when you do you wish you didn’t, right?
Claire: Wrong.
Allison: …Or, are you a tease?
Andrew: She’s a tease.
Claire: Why don’t you just drop it?
Andrew: You’re a tease and you know it, all girls are teases!
Bender: She’s only a tease if what she does gets you hot.
Claire: I don’t do anything!
Allison: That’s why you’re a tease.
Claire: Okay, lemme ask you a few questions.
Allison: I’ve already told you everything!
Claire: No, doesn’t it bother you to sleep around without being in love? I mean don’t you want any respect?
Allison: I don’t screw to get respect; that’s the difference between you and me.
Claire: Not the only difference, I hope.
Bender: Face it, you’re a tease.
Claire: I’m not a tease!
Bender: Sure you are! Sex is a weapon! You said it yourself; you use it to get respect!
Claire: No, I never said that. She twisted my words around.
Bender: Oh, then what do you use it for?
Claire: I don’t use it period!
Bender: Oh, are you medically frigid or is it psychological?

So the biggest question is; how has life not changed since 1985? How are women still categorised at Slut, Prude or Tease? I’m sure somewhere between then and now, feminism happened, or did that happen before? I’m not great with “History”. Either way, whoever claire decides to sleep with or not sleep with shouldn’t make her a slut, prude or tease.  My experiences of this are purely based on TV and film, but I’m sure there are people out there with first hand experience of this. So, along with my mum’s polka dot suit, the word’s “slut, prude and Tease” are best left in the 80’s. Thank you very much.

In fact this film and it’s quotes could inspire a billion blog posts and I feel like I could get very boring with talking about it. For such a simple idea, and what I imagine must have been quite a low budget movie (set essentially in 1 room with 5 actors), it is amazing. Each character, different and unique, with underlying themes running throughout. Despite it being a film about 5 american teenagers in the 80’s, it felt very relevant to me and modern day society. In fact – I think I will continue to talk about this film for a quite a few blog posts… stay tuned.

Tacenda

Recently, I have been writing more blog posts, and once they are all finished – I just don’t publish them.

This blog was originally a therapy for me, a way to slow down my thoughts and help me make sense of me. Now, I panic incase I upset someone, or they worry about me.

My blog was my safe place, where I could be entirely me. Although this sounds negative, I’m taking it as a good sign. My thoughts and feelings make so much more sense now that I don’t feel the need to “check” them with others. I can be entirely me.

Guess there isn’t much to say on this topic. I’ll try to work through the drafts and publish a bit more once I’m back in the rhythm of things.. this hiatus in to the “confident” and “loving myself” zone can’t last much longer surely….

The downside of Honesty

Starting this blog and being 100% open about my mental health has been so refreshing and, quite possibly one of the best things I’ve ever done.

HOWEVER, with everything, there is a downside. People are now more aware of me, and my mental health. The classic, I’m just tired, no longer means, I’m tired – it apparently means “help me”, even when I’m actually just tired. A bad day that makes me very grumpy, is no longer a bad day – it is a sign of more. Whilst it is great I have a support network that cares and worries about me, every little sigh, yawn, comment etc is analysed so much even Freud would think everyone was being ridiculous.

If I don’t want to go out, if I’m just in the mood to chill and watch Netflix (not to be confused with Netflix and Chill), people worry that I’m in the middle of an episode.  Granted sometimes I am, but not always. Sometimes it is just vital that I watch that episode of friends I’ve seen a million times already.

I’m sounding very ungrateful right now – I don’t mean to. I’m glad people care and worry, but I have learn’t enough over the last 18 months to know when I need to ask for help.

So people, please chill, I’m fine. I’m just tired!

The Green Eyed Monster

Everyone gets jealous now and then, it doesn’t make me a bad person right?

I recently had an extremely small melt down over a friends fantastic news. I don’t want to sound like a complete bitch , I was very happy for them, I just wanted to be able to say “me too”. I didn’t want to take away their joy, it’s not like a race where only one person comes first and then you have to settle for being a runner up. What I think shocked me the most was that before this conversation I was incredibly happy. I went from happy to complete despair in 0.2 seconds.

I’ve never really been a jealous person. When friends bought houses first, got married first, had new clothes when I was skint, I was always able to say, well I have such a such instead. This new feeling of jealousy was a complete shock.

I have a great job, great friends, a husband who I love (most of the time), a house I can totally visualise being amazing one day, when it’s finished. I always get at least 1 holiday a year. In short if I don’t have it, chances are I don’t really want it.

Have you seen that film with Jennifer Anniston – friends with money? I don’t really remember much of it but there is one scene that sticks in my head. She is trying to moisturise with this sample pot of moisturiser, but there isn’t enough left and she gets really frustrated and throws the pot across the bathroom. All she wanted was this moisturiser, the thing is all her friends had it. She just couldn’t afford it. I have never felt like that, that pure frustration at the unfairness of life. Just the usual teenage tantrum stuff my mum would reply with “life’s not fair”.

I have 2 friends -a couple- who I love, but they just have all the luck in the world. It’s like they have their own separate God who watches out for them and the rest of us share this one stressed out Intern trying to do his best. Despite this I don’t get jealous of them, yes she is prettier than me, but she enjoys salad and exercise. I always think about how much I have and equally, how different we are as people. Yes, on the outside they have more, but I wouldn’t swap my stuff for theirs.

In short, whilst I have, obviously, experienced jealousy, this was brand new, I suppose with its intensity, what has stuck with me is that, there is nothing I can do about it and equally, I am just ignoring it completely and focusing on the happy part. I feel like a fully fledged grown up. Go Me!

30 before 30

Normally these blogs are about things you want to do, but I’m different so here are 30 things I have done

1. Completed my degree – haven’t used it since and wouldn’t do it again if I went back in time, but it’s done and I got through it.
2. Been on a rollercoaster
3. Taken a flight by myself
4. Bought a house
5. Kept a pet alive
6. Got married
7. Had a really bad haircut
8. Moved to another country (wales counts….)
9. Taken a ‘Me’ day
10. Done the christmas swim
11. Learnt a foreign language – ok so I’ve forgotten all the French and German I learnt in school and my Greek is tourist level at best.. but I’ve tried.
12. Apologised when I’ve meant it
13. Apologised when I haven’t
14. Spent money on something I don’t need or particularly want because I was bored.
15. Told someone the actual brutal honest truth.
16. Told a lie
17. Been Camping
18. Ordered room service in a hotel and eaten it in bed.
19. Pretended to LOVE a gift I’ve actually really HATED – and I’m not talking politely thanked someone and charity shopped it the next day… although I’ve done that too
20. Broken a promise
21. Embarrassed myself
22. Done something that scares me
23. Tried something I never thought would work (It didn’t, I was right)
24. Stayed out all night
25. Stayed in bed all day
26. Ran in a charity race (NEVER AGAIN)
27. Volunteered my time
28. Helped an old lady cross the street
29. Told off a child I didn’t know as their parents weren’t around (he told me to F off… but not the point)
30. Written a blog

As I begin to panic about turning 30, the temptation is to look at the things I don’t have or haven’t done. By 30 I thought I would have kids or a career, I don’t. That doesn’t upset me, but I do think it is a negative way of thinking so here is a list that makes me feel better. 30 things that I have done. Yes there is loads more I want to do, some I will do before I turn 30, others will take longer, but I have achieved something even if it was only keep a goldfish alive (shorty is now over 2 years old).

Everything I’ve done has made me who I am, has bought me the life I have. I say I wouldn’t do my degree again but then I wouldn’t have met some of my best friends. 2 of whom are now married and may not have met each other. So I guess the important thing to remember is,

Regret the things you don’t do, not the things you do, and more importantly, age is just a number. I have plenty of time left, I probably haven’t even had my most embarrassing moment yet, please dear god, let me have embarrassed myself enough for my lifetime.

Where would I be without you….

If I think back to every big event in my life, every awful day, every great day, promotions, engagements, depression, every big event has be swiftly followed by a phone call, text or visit with one of my girls.

Growing up I always got along better with boys, always had male friends and even now, I find guys easier to make friends with, to approach, and hangout with. That being said, there is something truly amazing about the women in my life.

When I talk to my husband about problems, he doesn’t know what to say. He is fully on my side, 100% supportive but he can’t express it. I am yet to meet a girl, or a woman, I don’t want to offend with my choice of language here. I am yet to meet a female who can’t at least say, yea, life’s shit sometimes.

My role models, as I assume everyone’s do, create this vision of who I want to be. A Frankenstein’s monster of lovely bits of everyone I know, love or admire.

The Queen – her stability mainly, but also, she is 91! She is still rocking at her age, she just smiles through life with a posh handshake and an excellent attitude. Plus she gave us Prince Phillip and his excellent wisdom. Behind every great man is a woman, well equally behind every great woman is a man.

My mum – My grandad had an excellent way with words (hahaha), But he described my mum excellently when he said she had a great sense of humour which means she can handle everything thrown at her. I’m paraphrasing, his actual quote was much better, must get my mum to remind me of that. Her sense of humour is amazing, she has a joke or a pun for every occasion. Yes she can be serious when she needs to be, but I find it much easy to laugh through pain. The pain has less power then.

My Sister – We are both very judgemental – happy to mock an outfit we hate, but she has never judged me. She has always been there, whenever or whatever I’ve needed, and if that’s not enough, she is rasing the next generation of Strong women. Evelyn and Ayda will change the world – If they could just stop arguing with each other for long enough. How Nat goes everyday with these 2 small, strong willed, determined women is an act of sure brilliance, but not only does she manage them (or they manage her..??), She is raising them to be the wonderful girls they are. Bravo!!

All my friends are incredible, they are strong and beautiful. They all amaze me that they are so sure of who they are and where they are going whether it is in their relationships, their children, their work, their hobbies, passions, beliefs. They fundraise, raise awareness, protest. They all have their own stories, triumphs, obstacles they have all overcome. They craft, read, volunteer, play sports, sit in their PJs all day. They know who they are and are not ashamed. Yea, maybe they won’t be written about or have statues. Maybe they will. But they inspire me.

 

Snow Day

So we have been hit by a MOUNTAIN of snow… causing us to only leave the house for only minutes at a time. Wrapped up completely form had to toe, 2 pairs of socks, 3 jumpers, and scarfs and hats. Everyone I know has posted photos of themselves in snow, at the pub or in the house complaining about being stuck inside.

This has caused me to question – AM I NORMAL?

I ask this a lot, for various reasons, but most recently – why am I the only one that doesn’t get cabin fever. I’ve enjoyed being housebound. We have done chores we normally avoid, watched films we have meant to watch for months and apart form the insane cat (who apparently gets cabin fever) life has been lovely. There has been no pressure to do these things, we’ve just had extra time. No pressure to talk to people, to be nice, just a lovely quiet calm few days.

Why are people so desperate to be out in the cold, wet, icy, urgh, outside?

Viva La Inside.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

I feel like it’s been forever since I wrote anything. This could be for several reasons

1) I truly believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder and I’m desperately trying to make everyone like me more

2) with the increased dosage in my meds I’ve been so tired that I have napped every spare second I’ve had

Take your pick, which ever one makes me sound more exciting or interesting.

Nothing has changed recently, I’ve seen lots of friends and been kept very busy. Which has been lovely, but exhausting and we have recently started watching the crown. Excellent TV show, but has raised 2 very interesting points

1) We know nothing of UK history. I had no idea there was a great smog that killed thousands of people… and I can’t even name any of the previous prime ministers. Cue some research on our part.

2) Nick is now talking about what a great king he would be. He reckons he would thrive on the scheduling required. I’ve tried explaining that he yells at me when I try to keep him to a schedule but he has progressed now to imaginary conversations with the servants.

“Very funny sir, great joke”

“laugh”

“excuse me sir”

“if it’s funny, then laugh”

3) I am now questioning my marriage… to the worlds worst imaginary King… although I am pretty sure I would make a great queen, obviously provided I wasn’t the reigning monarch. Maybe there is something in this idea.

Well, this has been exhausting I’m off to nap and dream about being royalty.

Oh happy days

Here is something you probably don’t know about depression, sometimes the good days are actually worse than the bad.

Back when I was contemplating suicide I was used to the bad days, they became mundane and normal. Then all of a sudden I would have a great day, an evening with a group of friends that made me laugh so much I was actually in pain, but then it hits you. This is the best time to die, that way the last memory of you is happy. Everyone can remember the good times with you. End on a high note, leave everyone wanting more.

When it comes to the down days, everyone’s best advice is to just get through it and know the good times are coming. The good times are what you survive for, and once they arrive, what next?

Fairy tales always stop at the wedding, “and they lived happily ever after”, and people commonly ask, what next? Did the prince get annoyed that his new wife wasn’t as perfect as she seemed, or did she get annoyed that being a princess wasn’t as fun as she imagined. No one really knows, the wedding was the end of the story. Essentially there is no “what next”.

Well, that is how I felt about good days, they where what I survived for and once I was back to the good days, what did I do now? What that the end of the line? The last chapter? Apparently not since I am here writing this.

*spoiler alert* After the good days comes more good days, then some bad, and so on and so forth, until you find your rhythm. There is no end of the line, no magic ‘good day’ to end all the bad ones, and thank god for that. That is a lot of pressure for 1 day.

Instead, I try to thing of the good in every day, a text, a funny photo, a decent cup of tea. It’s easier, and less pressure, to have a good moment than a good day and it makes it easier to have a bad moment instead of a bad day. That way I’m not waiting for an elusive good day to make every better, every day is good, even if it’s a bad day. A day where I’m tired, and everything seems overwhelming, I just need 1 moment to snap back to reality. Even if reality is just as tiring and overwhelming….

I read a book (fiction, not self help) where you should write down 3 things you are thankful for every day. I don’t do this, I’d forget and miss a day and then the book wouldn’t be perfect and I’d get annoyed and want a new notebook, but I like the concept. I have a pessimistic outlook on life and I think it very easy to focus on the negative, so sometimes my nice moment on a bad day, is just the thought that I got through it.

And there is nothing wrong with that.