Disgust

Today I am absolutely disgusted with myself.

I’ve been back on Twitter… mainly because I’m so addicted to Queer Eye on Netflix I had to tell the world. However, Twitter is pretty much how I get my news nowadays, it used to be newsround but I’m not even sure if that is still on.

So, I’ve been reading about the immigration child separation policy in America right now, I’m sure it has a name that just rolls off the tongue but I don’t know what that is. Even if half of what I have read is true. I am disgusted.

So why am I disgusted with myself and not just Trump and the American government for making this happen. I am disgusted because once again, I read this, shake my head and say how could people let this happen, and then… I get on with my day. I go to work, eat, probably watch Netflix and go to bed. I don’t even lose sleep over this.

Another issue with humanity fails, people are let down and there isn’t a shred of decency left, and myself, like many others have just, essentially ignored it.

I understand, I am 1 person, I am involved in politics or a relevant charity, I live thousands of miles away, I am not an American citizen, essentially there is very little I could actually do on this issue.

But I am disgusted, because I worry that even if all of the above wasn’t true, I am not 100% sure on what I would do. I am scared that I would still sit, sigh and move on. Why do I think this, because it’s pretty much what I do with all issues. Homelessness, immigration, child abuse. I feel like if I give £5 to a charity every now and then I have done my part, I haven’t, I have failed as a human and that disgusts me.

Don’t worry though, being the ordinary selfish human I am, this disgust I am sure will only last as long as the news coverage. I think that makes it worse.

Landan Tahn

I’ve been spending more and more time in London recently, and I can’t say I’m a massive fan.  No offense London. I think people fall in to 2 categories, London People, and Not London People. I fall firmly in the camp of ‘Not a London person’. The crowds make me anxious and I always get really weird vivid dreams after a day in London. I think it is all the new faces, millions of people and so many different things to look at leaves me a little bit wired at the end of the day. Not to mention the train journey, and, normally chocolate or sweets – come on, it’s me…. that tends to leave me on a slight sugar high, and then a come down.

Last week I realised I was staring at a guy on the tube, I was trying to work out why he looked familiar, I think I saw him on the platform 2 minutes ago but I couldn’t be sure, then my brain went in to overdrive. Was this one of those times where you see the same person in loads of unrelated places? Am I in the Jess Show (you know like the Truman show except with me) and they are reusing the extras? Was he famous? Do I know him? Does he just look like someone I know? Who would that be? Was he following me? Does he think I’m following him? See what I mean about ‘wired’.

This week, I’ve had an epiphany as to why I dislike London. Originally I thought it was because I always have the fear of bumping in to someone I know. I hate small talk on the street when you both have somewhere to be. I know the chances are slim, but it honestly petrifies me. There are people I know, that live or work in London, some I like, some I don’t, but I don’t want to bump in to any of them. I’m usually lost, and miles away from where I need to be, so I don’t really have time to stop, and equally I’m sure they will laugh at how I got so lost. I’m good at laughing at myself, unless I’m stressed then I would advise shutting the F*** up.

Except its not that, I hate London because it makes me feel lost. I always feel slightly lost in life, but at least in other places I have a firm grip on my surroundings. I know where I am geographically heading (most of the time). London I am both literally and metaphorically lost. I have no idea where I am going and honestly, why I am going there. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job – I just don’t really understand life yet, I don’t think anyone does, we just pretend, and I, personally, pretend better in other towns and cities.