Absence makes the heart grow fonder

I feel like it’s been forever since I wrote anything. This could be for several reasons

1) I truly believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder and I’m desperately trying to make everyone like me more

2) with the increased dosage in my meds I’ve been so tired that I have napped every spare second I’ve had

Take your pick, which ever one makes me sound more exciting or interesting.

Nothing has changed recently, I’ve seen lots of friends and been kept very busy. Which has been lovely, but exhausting and we have recently started watching the crown. Excellent TV show, but has raised 2 very interesting points

1) We know nothing of UK history. I had no idea there was a great smog that killed thousands of people… and I can’t even name any of the previous prime ministers. Cue some research on our part.

2) Nick is now talking about what a great king he would be. He reckons he would thrive on the scheduling required. I’ve tried explaining that he yells at me when I try to keep him to a schedule but he has progressed now to imaginary conversations with the servants.

“Very funny sir, great joke”

“laugh”

“excuse me sir”

“if it’s funny, then laugh”

3) I am now questioning my marriage… to the worlds worst imaginary King… although I am pretty sure I would make a great queen, obviously provided I wasn’t the reigning monarch. Maybe there is something in this idea.

Well, this has been exhausting I’m off to nap and dream about being royalty.

Oh happy days

Here is something you probably don’t know about depression, sometimes the good days are actually worse than the bad.

Back when I was contemplating suicide I was used to the bad days, they became mundane and normal. Then all of a sudden I would have a great day, an evening with a group of friends that made me laugh so much I was actually in pain, but then it hits you. This is the best time to die, that way the last memory of you is happy. Everyone can remember the good times with you. End on a high note, leave everyone wanting more.

When it comes to the down days, everyone’s best advice is to just get through it and know the good times are coming. The good times are what you survive for, and once they arrive, what next?

Fairy tales always stop at the wedding, “and they lived happily ever after”, and people commonly ask, what next? Did the prince get annoyed that his new wife wasn’t as perfect as she seemed, or did she get annoyed that being a princess wasn’t as fun as she imagined. No one really knows, the wedding was the end of the story. Essentially there is no “what next”.

Well, that is how I felt about good days, they where what I survived for and once I was back to the good days, what did I do now? What that the end of the line? The last chapter? Apparently not since I am here writing this.

*spoiler alert* After the good days comes more good days, then some bad, and so on and so forth, until you find your rhythm. There is no end of the line, no magic ‘good day’ to end all the bad ones, and thank god for that. That is a lot of pressure for 1 day.

Instead, I try to thing of the good in every day, a text, a funny photo, a decent cup of tea. It’s easier, and less pressure, to have a good moment than a good day and it makes it easier to have a bad moment instead of a bad day. That way I’m not waiting for an elusive good day to make every better, every day is good, even if it’s a bad day. A day where I’m tired, and everything seems overwhelming, I just need 1 moment to snap back to reality. Even if reality is just as tiring and overwhelming….

I read a book (fiction, not self help) where you should write down 3 things you are thankful for every day. I don’t do this, I’d forget and miss a day and then the book wouldn’t be perfect and I’d get annoyed and want a new notebook, but I like the concept. I have a pessimistic outlook on life and I think it very easy to focus on the negative, so sometimes my nice moment on a bad day, is just the thought that I got through it.

And there is nothing wrong with that.

Side effects may include

Like a lot of people I am medically enhanced for an easier life. Doesn’t that sound nice? I am more balanced, most of the time (sorry about the others….) because of the pills I take. However whilst, I am more balanced, I am still me. I was once described as “not glass half full, more like glass shattered and spilt all over the floor”.If there is a negative to a situation, I can and will find it. So whilst I am grateful to the pills for the ‘adjustment’, I cannot stand the side effects.

When I first started taking them it was the thirst. I was constantly thirsty. I was drinking 6-8 litres of water a day and still felt like I had taken a run in the desert. I could have drunk more but by then I had to pee, constantly. Getting any work done was impossible and you can forget sleeping. I would lie awake either trying to talk myself out of getting a drink or talk myself into going for a wee.

Today – I itch. Like I have fleas or eczema (which I had to google how to spell), not that I know how that feels, I’ve never had it. Wait, Not that I’ve had fleas, but you understand. Where was I? Oh yea, itching. Unlike the thirst, this one is embarrassing and awkward. You can’t sit at work all day and scratch. I alternate between scratching, using creams (I didn’t have hand cream, I used a leave in conditioner from my Birchbox). Change in temperature is good, alternating between holding a hot and cold drink against my hands and arms can just about get me through, but it is still obvious. I can try to ignore it and then I actually look like a crazy person, very tense, occasionally muttering to myself before the inevitable scratching beginnings again.

Now I know these are temporary. A few days and I’ll be right as rain. But well (here is that broken glass again), a few days later, I’ll be itchy, or thirsty, or tired or any number of other side effects all over again.

Sigh.