Tacenda

Recently, I have been writing more blog posts, and once they are all finished – I just don’t publish them.

This blog was originally a therapy for me, a way to slow down my thoughts and help me make sense of me. Now, I panic incase I upset someone, or they worry about me.

My blog was my safe place, where I could be entirely me. Although this sounds negative, I’m taking it as a good sign. My thoughts and feelings make so much more sense now that I don’t feel the need to “check” them with others. I can be entirely me.

Guess there isn’t much to say on this topic. I’ll try to work through the drafts and publish a bit more once I’m back in the rhythm of things.. this hiatus in to the “confident” and “loving myself” zone can’t last much longer surely….

30 before 30

Normally these blogs are about things you want to do, but I’m different so here are 30 things I have done

1. Completed my degree – haven’t used it since and wouldn’t do it again if I went back in time, but it’s done and I got through it.
2. Been on a rollercoaster
3. Taken a flight by myself
4. Bought a house
5. Kept a pet alive
6. Got married
7. Had a really bad haircut
8. Moved to another country (wales counts….)
9. Taken a ‘Me’ day
10. Done the christmas swim
11. Learnt a foreign language – ok so I’ve forgotten all the French and German I learnt in school and my Greek is tourist level at best.. but I’ve tried.
12. Apologised when I’ve meant it
13. Apologised when I haven’t
14. Spent money on something I don’t need or particularly want because I was bored.
15. Told someone the actual brutal honest truth.
16. Told a lie
17. Been Camping
18. Ordered room service in a hotel and eaten it in bed.
19. Pretended to LOVE a gift I’ve actually really HATED – and I’m not talking politely thanked someone and charity shopped it the next day… although I’ve done that too
20. Broken a promise
21. Embarrassed myself
22. Done something that scares me
23. Tried something I never thought would work (It didn’t, I was right)
24. Stayed out all night
25. Stayed in bed all day
26. Ran in a charity race (NEVER AGAIN)
27. Volunteered my time
28. Helped an old lady cross the street
29. Told off a child I didn’t know as their parents weren’t around (he told me to F off… but not the point)
30. Written a blog

As I begin to panic about turning 30, the temptation is to look at the things I don’t have or haven’t done. By 30 I thought I would have kids or a career, I don’t. That doesn’t upset me, but I do think it is a negative way of thinking so here is a list that makes me feel better. 30 things that I have done. Yes there is loads more I want to do, some I will do before I turn 30, others will take longer, but I have achieved something even if it was only keep a goldfish alive (shorty is now over 2 years old).

Everything I’ve done has made me who I am, has bought me the life I have. I say I wouldn’t do my degree again but then I wouldn’t have met some of my best friends. 2 of whom are now married and may not have met each other. So I guess the important thing to remember is,

Regret the things you don’t do, not the things you do, and more importantly, age is just a number. I have plenty of time left, I probably haven’t even had my most embarrassing moment yet, please dear god, let me have embarrassed myself enough for my lifetime.

New Year, New Me

A summary of my 2017 in 10 seconds: Redundancy,  New house, Minor breakdown, An 18th Birthday Party, Bridesmaid Duties, A trip to Boston, 1st Wedding Anniversary, A birthday I wanted to Ignore, A new job, some wonderful new friends, The 2nd best wedding ever (more bridesmaid duties, same bride), A trip to Barra, A Blog, The start of 30th Birthdays, A 29 3/4 Party, A Cat, Another new job, First Christmas in our first house. All wrapped in a neat parcel of laughter, tears and a whole lots of Meds and Booze. No wonder I’m always so tired!

Let’s face it, the past year has been a complete roller coaster, if you had asked me at the beginning of the year what company I would be working for come the end of the year, I would have been right. However, I would never have guessed on 1st January 2017 what the year had in store for me. The redundancy, the new Job, new colleagues, and then another new job, some old colleagues. Not to mention the Blog – that’s not very me at all. I would however have guessed the scarf I’m knitting was still unfinished. (even a broken clock is right twice a day). People can guess all they like, and make promises about the year ahead, but we change all the time, our focus and priorities adapt to the situation and our current state of affairs. Which is why New Years Resolutions never work.

When you look back on your year you think what you would have done differently and what should be changed – whether you get round to it or not… I think there are a good few people I wish I had seen more of, My sister and my nieces, Friends that live too far away and Friends that live nearby. So it’s not a new years resolution to see more of them – its a wish or a hope. We all say every year “this year is going to be the best ever” “New year, New Me” or my favourite “I’m losing weight this year”, we make resolutions, and then abandon them by week 2.

With that in mind, my expectations (not resolutions) for 2018; Dry January, Meat free Mondays, More 30th Birthdays, Greece and Portugal (I’m going to be so sunburnt), More wonderful weddings, A baby (most likely NOT mine, but well who knows), More blog posts, More DIY, More booze, Lots more laughter, Less tears (fingers crossed) , More cats (or a divorce – his choice), and more than likely some more meds. Not forgetting some time for a nap! If I don’t get what I expect, I guess I’ll make do with the alternative.

Obviously 2018 is the year of my fuck-it list, so I’m sure there is going to be some experiences that don’t quite measure up (always the optimist) but, at the end of the year, I will at least have quite a year to sum up to you all. I did a “what’s your new years resolution quiz on facebook – and mine is to live my dream! (LOL). So, I guess that is what I’m going to have to do. At the end of 2018, when I sum it up I hope to have had lots of new experiences – and obviously to have “lived my dream”. God forbid a facebook quiz is ever wrong.

So, happy new year everyone, may you all be healthy and happy, and don’t forget to live your dreams (providing you did the same quiz as me, and it told you to as well, otherwise, don’t worry too much – you are free to join a gym and not go).